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THE BODY ISSUE
GISELE BÜNDCHEN'S "JOURNEY"
FROM UGLY DUCKLING TO SUPERMODEL SWAN
HORIZONTINA, BRAZIL – It wasn't until she was 18, crying on the steps of her parents' home on prom night, that Gisele Bündchen, an unfortunate-looking, bucktoothed teenager from Três de Maio, Brazil, decided to change her life. "I couldn't take it anymore!" says a smiling Bündchen in all her current day glory, lounging casually on a chaise and having her legs buttered by manservant Tom Brady. "The teasing, the name calling, the food-pelting...one day in 8th grade some kids at school beat me up and put a saddle on my back and ever since then everyone called me ramera de cara de caballo (translation: horse face bitch) – even my teachers!" So, how exactly did Gisele go from ugly duckling to the highest paid swan in the history of the catwalk? "I started eating steamed kale and melba toast, got contacts...oh, and I started taking showers – that was a huge thing for me. Never underestimate a hot shower." This week, however, WWWWD obtained medical records exposing the truth behind the transformation.
 
 
Gisele was an experimental recipient of chromosomal replacement therapy administered by Brazilian geneticist Warwick Estevam Kerr. Apparently after two years of sheep stem cell injections, cosmetic dentistry, and weeks of non-stop laser hair removal, she emerged as the flawless beauty that she is today. Her childhood friend Montse Ferrer corroborated the story. Though she says it's still fun to catch up with Bündchen when she's in town, the sheep chromosomes have changed things. "It's not the biggest deal, but I do have to lay down some newspaper if she comes over – she shits all over the floor. But what a rack!" –Tia de Maria Lopes
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NIP TUCK
WWWWD asked 100 Fashion Editors What Surgeries They Covet Most
  • 34% Sexual Reassignment
  • 25% Foot Binding
  • 18% Vaginal Rejuvenation
  • 11% Scrotal Smoothing
  • 8% Restylane Injections
  • 4% Mastectomy
  • 3% Lip Liner Tattoo
  • 2% Micro-micro-micro-lipo
  • 2% Permanent Nipple Erection
  • 1% Full Jaw Wiring
  • TREND ALERT!
    FORKS ARE OUT!
    If you can fork it, fuck it.
    This summer, chuck your utensils and stick exclusively to liquids. Our favorite: the new Chicory Tamari Detox at Pax Union Square.
    Tip: add some Senna leaf tea to keep things moving – and don't forget to ask for some extra napkins to go!
    PALTROW SUES LOVE
    FOR COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT
    LOS ANGELES –Gwyneth Paltrow filed suit against Courtney Love yesterday, claiming the rocker copied her GOOP Wellness Newsletter concept with Love's recently launched POOP, an embedded e-mail that appeared as "suspected spam" in the inboxes of Love's 20,000 fair-weather friends and relatives this week. Love fired back at the allegations of plagiarism saying, "I hadn't even read this GOOP thing before I came up with this, okay? Seriously. It's really just an outlet for some...oh shit..sorry, I just threw up in my mouth. What was I saying?" slurred Love, 45, as she lay slumped in the far corner of Lit Lounge. The multi-format e-bulletin is filled with photos apparently stolen from Google image searches and greets readers every Monday morning at 9 a.m. – "with their coffee and a morning bump," explains Love. "It's a complete body, mind, soul thing – you know, the head, the hand, and the heart." A hitherto top-secret recipe for Love's Morning "Sexy Juice" – mung beans soaked in vodka – will be disclosed in full detail, along with the finer points of her occasional jogging routine away from police. "It really melts off the love handles." –Jessica Tandy
    VIDEO
    ZAC ATTACK
    The talented Mr. Posen reveals a brow-raising new fitness technique
    GLUTEUS MAXIMUM
    A breakthrough butt workout from supertrainer to the stars Tracy Anderson
    JUST BREATHE
    From the archives: Wilhelmina shares a vintage get-trim-quick video
    THE MOST INFLUENTIAL BODIES OF ALL TIME
    Like the art which immortalized it, the ideal body has changed with the fashion and taste of the times. Here's a look back
    23,000 BC
    With the impending ice age, a layer of blubber, a nutrient-rich fup, and fecund breasts able to feed neighborhood children was the hotness. Pictured: Veronica of Willendorf.
    1001 AD
    Lady Godiva sets a mythical standard of beauty women strive for throughout the ages. Teen suicide is born.
    1347
    During the plague, you were lucky if you had skin and teeth. Katia Vladov had both!
    1475
    Queen Isabella II of Spain is born as a dwarf and sets the tone that smaller = hotter.
    1780s
    With the proliferation of bread and milk processing in industrialized cities, back fat begins to symbolize progress and luxury.
    1960s
    The hippie movement is all about free love, pot smoking, and poor hygiene, which naturally leads to the crowning of Sarah "Nasto-pits" Boyle as the Queen of Woodstock.
    1986
    Madonna popularizes pointy tits and limber joints.
    1990
    Gender-bending and techno music lead to a decade obsessed with late-night surprises, embodied by RuPaul.
    1998
    Naomi Campbell's violent fits forgiven because of her mannequin-like measurements: 34-24-34. Also, same size shoe as Shaquille O'Neal (US 23, 15.75 inches).
    2000
    The explosion of extreme sports inspires the "women-who-could-sexually-assault-you" look, lead by ladyman Pink.
    2001
    Popular movies such as Starship Troopers and AIien: Resurrection inspire extreme plastic surgery. Poster child: Lil' Kim.
    2005
    Nicole Kidman's wax facsimile from Madame Tussaud's effortlessly attends Oscars when the actress accidentally double-books schedule.
    2008
    Madonna popularizes man arms.
    2009
    Science shocks the world with the emergence of Lady GaGa, history's first human to be comprised solely of pleather, concealer, and glo-sticks left over from last June's gay pride parade.
    HOW I STAY LIKE THIS!
    The best bodies in fashion don't just happen by accident. Here, our closest friends reveal how they get in shape and stay that way
    "Walking on raw New York strip steak."
    –Donna Karan
    "Charity work...and colonic irrigation."
    –Jacquetta Wheeler
    "Ukrainian dancing... and heavy sobbing."
    –Narciso Rodriguez
    "Fighting off catty thoughts."
    –Marc Jacobs
    "Restless leg syndrome."
    –Kate Moss
    "Pretzels, depression, and sleeping 18 hours a day."
    –Kirsten Dunst
    GYM JAMS
    We asked our fave hot bodies what tunes they like to sweat to!
     
    TODAY'S OBSESSION:
    BLOGS!
    Blogging!
    Kick back and let the information come to you. Blogs are the fast-paced, futuristic answer to newspapers and magazines, and they seemingly never stop. Our new favorite: Suburban Sex, the explicit sex diary of a straight, 30-year-old married man. Schwing!
    Kom-betcha! The Secret Recipe by Gareth Pugh
    I love Kombucha because it's easy to make at home. Here's how:
    1. First you'll need a large pot or container. I drink a shitload of the stuff because I can't poop without it now, so I use the tub in my flat.
    2. Kombucha means fermenting shit or something in Chinese, so you need a base that will get good and rotten. I use apples because they're cheap and hotels usually have them around for free.
    3. Piss all over the apples. Urine is the real activator here. I suggest you use your own though – I'm not into backwash.
    4. Let sit. I let the solution sit anywhere from 1–3 weeks. The longer, the better.
    5. Add anything you like for flavor. Raspberries, rose petals, an old belt, whatever! Make it your own!
    6. Kombucha is always served best in good company. So invite some friends over, serve it up on some crushed iced, and, of course, never give away the recipe!

    With love,
    Gareth

    FASHION SCRAPS
    Explicit Sexuality Restored to Houston Street Elite Models Accused of Trafficking Albinos Hugh Jackman to Launch Line of Theatrical Gym Gear
    SOHO – New York City residents heaved a collective sigh of relief this week as the overt sexuality of Calvin Klein was returned to its rightful place on Houston Street. Last month, onlookers were shocked by the reserve displayed on the enormous Soho billboard famed for depicting acts of overt sexual depravity. The sanitary advertisement seemed like the final sign of doom, depicting only a portion of a man's chest atop a fully-panted woman. "It was totally disgusting," said James Troy, a fashion assistant based in Riverdale. "I couldn't believe how boring New York had become." Rory Tahari added: "I live on Prince Street and had to make my driver avoid Houston altogether last month. I don't need my kids seeing that kind of pedestrian bullshit. How will they be accepted to St. Anne's if that's all they have to feed their imaginations?" The new ad shows the glistening bodies of three lithe boys experimenting with each other while a topless female model looks on. "I think it's fabulous," said Burt Finkelstein, whose Crosby Street apartment faces the billboard. "I was going to leave the neighborhood after that offensively bland campaign went up. But I just took my place off Craigslist, which is good because as a sex offender I have to register when I move, which is kind of a bitch." UKERWE ISLAND, NOVA SCOTIA – A report today has uncovered the most extensive trafficking network in modeling history. According to the report issued by the International Migration Group, Elite Models has been smuggling Albinos by the dozens into Western Europe and the U.S. to work in print and runway modeling. The report gave no exact figures but attributed the surge to Elite's discovery of Ukerwe, a small island in Nova Scotia that has the highest concentration of tall, thin albinos in the world. With their milky-white skin, flat-chested physiques, and pale, vacant eyes, they are called "living ghosts" by locals and "fierce bitches" by Elite's junior agents. The industry is taking note. "The new black is super-white!" exclaimed Marc Jacobs in an interview from David Barton Gym. Many young albinos come with parental approval, either because living conditions are harsh at home or because they have been seduced by syndicated episodes of America's Next Top Model. "I thought, Yes. I will get into this sack and come to America so I can finally get healthy and fat like Miss Tyra Banks," claimed an anonymous refugee who has been granted asylum in an intern cube of the International Migration Group's offices on Park Avenue South. Darren Phillips, an executive at IMG added, "We're just hoping we can save more of these beautiful people before they are overexposed by Elite, or their cache is lost in a Gap Holiday campaign." NEW YORK – "Exercise is about to get fabulous!" shrieked Hugh Jackman, whose collection of theatrical workout gear will debut this fall in the Broadway Adidas flagship store. "People want to feel free in their exercise clothes. Some glitter here, a corset there – and you've got yourself an outfit you don't want to leave in the closet." Former Men's Fitness editor Neal Boulton has already submitted ten orders for Wolverine Shear Gloves, "for myself and for all the guys on my volleyball team...oh, and for my wife." Jackman's longtime assistant, John Palermo, is especially eager for "absolutely all of it. He's amazing. He's...he's everything." Suede bike shorts, inspired by Jackman's role as a cattle drover in Australia, are expected to fly off shelves come September.
    THE DAILY DIET
    We asked four style ambassadors to divulge their dining habits
    Candy Pratts Price
    9:45am Denny's Grand Slam: Two Sausage Links, Two Fried Eggs, Two Pancakes, Creamy Grits and Chocolate Milkshake
    10:30am Cinnabon: Mochalatta Chill
    11:15am Fig & Olive: Prosciutto Goat Cheese Warm Tartine and Grilled Sirloin Steak, Three Tanqueray Martinis and Chocolate Pot De Creme
    11:30am Starbucks: Skinny Vanilla Latte and Chocolate Espresso Chunk cookie
    1:15pm Five Guys: Little Bacon Cheeseburger, Large Cajun Fries
    3:15pm Gareth's Kombucha (he made me some to go! LOVE him.)
    6:30pm Koi: 6 Creamy Rock Shrimp handrolls, 6 Crispy Rice, Molten Chocolate Cake, 3 Pomegranate Martinis
    8:30pm Serendipity3: Frozen Hot Chocolate, Honey Roasted Cashews, Chocolate Milkshake
    10:00pm Sleep
    11:30pm Sleepwalk Snack: Hungryman Buffalo Fried Chicken Sandwich, Two Glasses of Stag's Leap 2005 Cabernet Sauvignon
    Victoria Beckham
    11:30am Melon slice
    3:30pm Tablespoon of flax oil
    5:15pm Scent of celery
    8:00pm Two Fingernail Tips
    9:15pm Gareth's Kombucha (also use as shampoo)
    11:15pm Lipstick smudge on tooth
    Daphne Guinness
    4:00am Three black prince cicadas
    1:00pm Six green Carabid beetles
    3:30pm Chocolate milk
    5:30pm Stouffer's Light Chicken a la King
    7:00pm Sleep
    Guy Ritchie
    2:00pm Three Benson & Hedges Lights
    2:15pm Black coffee
    3:30pm Leftover General Tso's chicken and won ton soup
    5:00pm Shepherd's Pie with two pints Guinness
    6:00pm Sleep
    TATTOO YOU
    In tough times, fashion editors are getting tougher by getting inked.
    Here are the recent tattoos of five style-setters
    Ingrid Sischy Kelly Klein Fern Mallis Anne Slowey Hamish Bowles
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